An Indescribable Feeling
by smiles1993
Summary: hmm, so i know this is not the greatest piece of writing ever, especially the ending, but its my first story, any feedback would be appreciated. : thanks


'I don't want your sympathy,

I don't deserve it,

I don't think anything is fair.... it isn't really.'

Its cold and dark, it always is.

Tap tap, tap, tap, tap.. My foot clicks quietly against the ground. As cliché as it sounds, the silence is honestly my worst nightmare.

_Its blurry I blink again and again, but it doesn't do anything. I still can hardly see. But I want to get home so I put just a little more pressure on the accelerator. I take a deep breath as I hear the engine roar. I've done the trip once or twice before. But not this late at night, not alone._

_It will be okay._

It's almost as if really I'm here for no reason, she's paid to sit here with me and talk she doesn't want to be here. Why would she?

_My vision is getting worse and my surroundings outside become more and more unclear, I'm sure I've passed here already. Maybe I missed the turnoff. I could stop...._

_I should stop._

She just doesn't understand no one understands. I'm not talking about the kind of understanding that we want from people, what I'm talking about would require an understanding I wish upon not even the cruelest of human beings. Because no one can truly understand with out feeling what I feel..

_So I try to weigh up my options, I could stop call someone I know.... and say what? ' hey so I have no idea where I am but can you come pick me up?' or I could call a taxi, but still I'm in the same situation. Maybe I could pull over and have a rest._

_maybe someone will stop for me..... _

In my opinion what I feel is the only thing that isn't temporary. Anyone who tells you there always happy is kidding themselves, and anyone who is always seems to be sad just wants your sympathy. Even I have my days; I think that maybe someday in a few years maybe it will all be okay. Then the next day with no warning at all I'm back where I started.... wishing I was never born.

But can you see what I mean? It's all pretty temporary and quiet balanced, the emotions come and go as they please with no real meaning at all.

_Suddenly it's decided, I don't care. I don't really want to be found just driving is good, so I'm unsure of where I'm going, but who is ever sure about where exactly they are headed? I need to get away anyway.. I was headed back home but I got lost and in the process of getting lost I just decided, I'm not ready to go home yet. I like this feeling. Its like I'm fearless nothing can stop me. No one can tell me what to do or how to run my life anymore. _

_Its mine, my choices._

This feeling is unlike your common happy and sad. Its far more painful then anything imaginable to most. Or maybe it's not so much the feeling but its constant reminders... of mistakes and regrets... it sits in your stomach twisting your insides. Twisting and twisting until you are sure there is no way the feeling will ever leave. Eating and drinking doesn't ever cross your mind anymore because the feeling is there. The only thing you can do is remind yourself to keep breathing. Keep calm. Just keep breathing.

_Things start to get blurry again and as quick as the fearlessness arrived it fades away. Again I am alone slowly going forward but not really knowing if it's for the best. I see a light up ahead but its still blurry, maybe its green but as I move closer it flickers to orange. All to soon it changes again, at least I think it changed, it was red._

_Stop._

Now you may think I'm overreacting, big deal a bad feeling in my stomach. But its in my head as well, it's probably the worst there. It's always there, more so there then in my stomach. It never ever leaves. You try as hard as you can to push it to the back of your mind. But it isn't even worth it. nothing can stop your mind from wandering, and wandering always ends up in the same place. Replays and flashbacks of things you don't want to know. This feeling may sometimes ease but it always lingers in the back of my mind. Like a dead weight. Something I just can't seem to shake.

_Stop, Stop, STOP! But I can't!_

_I have come so far. _

So I sit and continue the tapping, the tapping stops the final part of the feeling. If I can hear the continuous rhythm of my feet against the floor I can't hear the noises.

_I screech to a stop, but its to late, I'm spinning out of control, everything happens in the blink of a eye. I hear the screams and cries, I feel the impact._

_Two weeks go by, the world keeps turning and everything seems unchanged. Although there is no time to be relived that I'm alive. The feeling doesn't waste its time, it knows just as well as I do that I was the only lucky one. I caused this mess, there is no excuse. I was selfish, I ran a red light, and I survived. _

Another two weeks go by, the feeling hasn't gone. When people say once you've crashed all you can do is pick up the pieces. I think maybe they got it wrong. You can spin further and further out of control. My health didn't improve after the accident. Maybe because I didn't let it, or maybe because I was just unwell. But I defiantly kept falling.

Quicker and quicker, with every passing day.

_I get back into the car because its all I can do. I just want to get away and this is my only choice. _

one day with the scenes of the crash still playing over and over in my head. I am suddenly hit with some kind of revelation, an epiphany if you will. I realised that I was so right all along. Well, half right. I am so in control. I have to choose. I can change. I have to let people in and talk about it.

_I can't go down that same road again. I start to reverse._

I just wish I had of realised earlier.


End file.
